If you know me in person, but have only met me a few times, you might be surprised to find out that I’m actually a fairly shy guy. But honestly, I got bored of being shy. It’s tiring being stressed out all the time about what to say, what to do with your hands when you’re talking and all that. So here are my tips for being more social:
1) Arrive on time. If you’re too early, you’ll look awkward. If you’re too late, everyone will already be off in groups and you won’t be able to break in. Be among the first five to get to a party/event (or a proportionate number if it’s a huge event). You’ll be in for the duration, then. Anyone who tells you to go “fashionably late” doesn’t know what it is to be the awkward late person who has no one to talk to.
2) Have a hook or story prepared. If the conversation lulls, don’t be afraid to go into a random anecdote, if it’s funny or really interesting (ask your friends if it’s actually either of those things). You can even be completely open that you were just filling the silence. It’ll be appreciated.
3) Don’t sit at the very end of a table, or the middle. Take a corner seat, or close to them. There’s something about the asymmetry that will pull people to you.
4) Don’t force your gestures, but over expression with your hands is better than under.
5) Be in context, at first. Everyone will tell you to “be yourself,” but you’re shy and you don’t talk very much in public. What they really mean is that you’re talkative and interesting when you’re with your friends. So talk to new people as if you’ve known them forever. Be a little more open than they might even expect. If you’re sincere and happy and you take an interest in what they’re saying, you’ll be gold.
6) Everyone will tell you to “ask questions”. Absolutely, do this, but you’re not interviewing people. If it feels at all like that, you’re doing it wrong. Better to have a bit of silence then a stream of questions.
7) If the conversation dies, bail. Seriously. You don’t have to wait for it to come back around. Go to the bar, the bathroom, whatever. And when you go back, head to a different group of people. It’s a party/conference, you’re expected to move around.
8) Speak up! The trademark of the shy, awkward person is that no one can hear what you’re saying. You might even have to force yourself to talk louder than feels comfortable.
9) All confidence is false confidence. At least, that’s how it will feel. So go in confident even if you’re not sure why. The rest will follow.
***
So I haven’t blogged in, like, ever. And I’m going to tell you why.
Because I got tired. I burned myself out trying to get two videos done a week, plus another podcast with my friends, and my full time job. Sure, I had the time to churn out the posts (they didn’t take too long), but I didn’t have the time — or energy — to make them good.
And that’s the important bit. To make them good enough for you to actually take something away from it and do something. Not just go, “huh, well that’s neat,” and then forget about it.
Because that’s what pretty much all marketing blogs are. I mean, they’re all just wannabe Seths. They make some distant analogy between marketing and some reallife situation, throw in a quirky image, and then shove it online. I did plenty of that, so I’m not absolved from this critique. Just please take this post as part of my penance.
I don’t want to put a video up, or another text post, ideally, unless I’ve got something useful for you to take away from it. Or it’s funny. Or you’ll find it interesting past the 5-minutes-after-you’ve-read-it mark.
Shy? Have more questions? Let me know in the comments.
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Thanks for this! I can totally relate!
So glad you liked it, Naomi!
This is a great post, Joel!
I think we can both relate to #7 (bailing)…i.e. Minglefail ‘09. There was nothing to do but GTFO.
Hells to the yes. Minglefail ‘09 is my case in point.
As always – you’re so …. REAL. Great post – pretty sure everyone is shy, they just have different ways of camouflaging it. I just talk in an Aussie accent and everyone loves me – even if they have no idea what I’m saying! GooodonyaMaaaate!
Haha, thanks man! Crazy Aussies.
It’s funny. In highschool I was nick-named “Shy-Ross” (No creativity in that school) – But towards the middle of gr.11 I knew I had to get out there and talk more… Talking like you’ve known someone forever is key. Just gotta make sure you do cross the line from comfortable to way too much information… That happens way too often.
Solid post.
Glad you liked the post. Very true, the over-share can be bad, too. But I’d say it’s worth the risk if it gets a shy person out and talking to people. It’s a game of trial and error, certainly.
Great post Joel. Keep this kind of work up.
As for the point about sharing. Don’t over share! People won’t want to hear about your bathing schedule in extreme detail but feel free to be open and honest in a discussion.
No question.
Okay…would you ever believe that I was shy too? I knew you wouldn’t! But it is so true. Being able to make small talk is tough work for many and the key is always in the sincerity. And so I always ask questions about the other person because I want to learn more about them. I laughed at “Don’t give an interview”. I know I do this. I have problem with awkward silence. You know this. Sometimes if people are quite, I feel like I’m trying to pull teeth. So I ask even more questions. For those that are shy, make sure you try to give more than a one word answer. It’ll stop you from being battered by a barrage of questions.
And Joel, now that we know you, we can get you to shut up! That said, I’ll take the end of the table if you’ve got the corner seat.
I believe it, Cyn! Yes, the one word answer is the enemy of all conversations. It’s like volleying in a sport, right? The person is asking you a question so that it gets the conversation going. It’s now your job to volley back with some decent information to keep it up in the air. The one word answer is totally dropping the ball.
That’s the most muddled metaphor I’ve ever constructed, I think, but the point is sound :)
in J-school, we learned on the first day to never ask a question that can be answered with “yes” or “no” during an interview. Even instead of asking someone where they’re from, you’re supposed to phrase it like, “tell me about where you’re from” or “tell me about where you grew up”, etc. Less awkward silences!
That’s awesome advice.